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Grieving the Loss of a Pet:
Why Animal Companion Loss Deserves to Be Taken Seriously
Losing a beloved pet (I like to refer to them as animal companions, friends or family, but for the purposes of this blog I will refer to them as pets) can happen in many ways—whether through death, disease, accident, rehoming, a run-away, a breakup, theft, or a sudden crisis. No matter how it happens, the loss can be intense, and the emotional toll can catch you completely off guard.
I still remember my first experience with losing my beloved pet at the age of 11. He was a tiny little whitish fuzzball with a grey patch on his head. He had a pink nose, and a kitten belly body; he fit perfectly in my hands. He trotted into my room each day after school and sat on my stomach, staring at me, vibrating with his purrs. I was a lonely child, and he made me feel seen, special, and comforted.
Decades later, I still recall the weight of that loss that I felt at the time—the heartbreak, the physical ache, the preoccupation, and the way it reshaped my days. I remember staring at the door, waiting for him to walk in. Laying on my bed felt different. While everyone experiences loss differently, all feelings around grieving a pet are natural, valid, and worthy of care.
The Emotional and Physical Reality of Pet Loss Grief:
Feelings and emotions are a part of the human experience for important reasons. They give us clues to what is happening within our inner world. If we feel happy, perhaps it is because we are hopeful or feel loved, something good happened, we had an experience of awe and wonder. If we feel sad, it may tell us that we are feeling a loss (and some losses are not so obvious), that we feel limited in our options, or our nervous system is tired of holding anger. If we feel numb, it may be that our body is telling us that whatever happened is just too overwhelming for our nervous system to manage at that moment.
Whatever you are feeling after the loss of your animal companion - it is real and holds a truth—whether or not anyone else recognizes or understands it.
Common Symptoms of Pet Grief:
-Emotional Numbness: Feeling shutdown, detached or unable to process the reality of the loss.
-Physical Distress: Nausea, difficulty breathing, loss of appetite, regular intervals of crying or sobbing, disrupted sleep, difficulty concentrating or paying attention.
-Interpersonal Shifts: Withdrawal, isolation, lack of desire to socialize or connect with others, loss of patience, irritability, anxiety in the presence of others, low motivation.
-Avoidance of Triggering Routines: Fear around coming home, unlocking the door, desire to avoid areas where your pet spent time with you, sharp pains or waves of sadness at meal times or medication intervals.
-Ruminating Thoughts: Replaying scenarios related to your relationship with your animal companion or leading up to the loss, feeling guilt over decisions made or wondering what could’ve been done differently, self-blame.
-Complex Emotions: Including relief, depression, anxiety, fear that you can’t go on, anger, helplessness, frustration that the pain isn’t ending sooner or judgment of what you do feel.
These are natural reactions to a yearning for your loved one who is no longer physically there. You have not only lost your pet’s physical presence, you have lost their emotional and relational presence in your life that had been encoded and evolving in your brain over time.
The Neuroscience behind our bonds with our pets:
In grief, the brain doesn’t distinguish emotionally between the loss of a beloved animal companion, and the loss of a person. The same ‘love’ hormone, oxytocin, is released in the brain when we bond with our pet as when we bond with a person who feels safe, or when we bond with a child.
In fact, for some, the grief around losing a pet can feel more intense than the loss of a person. Your relationship with your animal companion may have been the first time (or one of the few times) you felt seen, experienced unconditional love, or experienced authenticity and trust. Maybe it was the first time you felt your existence mattered and that another being was happy to see you. Maybe your pet was like a child to you. Or maybe it was none of these things, but that relationship you had with your animal companion was immensely important and significant to you.
Our pets become integral to our daily routines. We take care of them. They make us smile and laugh, or they stress us out! The truth is that having a relationship with an animal is magical. Their reactions to us (even when they are a bit nutty) can be comforting, can be calming, weird, and even comical. They may give us a break from the challenges of everyday living, and help us be present, connect with something outside of ourselves, and for some people, it gives them a reason to live. To lose any of this can feel excruciating or jarring.
Understanding Disenfranchised Grief in Pet Loss:
One of the things I hear most often from people is that they feel isolated and alone in their sorrow after they lose their animal companion. Part of the reason for this may be due to the fact that pet loss is disenfranchised.
Disenfranchised loss (coined by Dr. Kenneth Doka in 1989) is when society or people fail to recognize or acknowledge the validity of a loss. Places of employment don’t provide bereavement leave for when your animal companion passes. We don’t receive paid sick leave when our animals are ill, or if we need time to look for them if they are lost*. We don’t often hear of built-in rituals in the larger society (I use the word society in the broadest sense and want to acknowledge that grief recognition and rituals vary from culture to culture) around saying goodbye or honoring our beloved pet’s life when they are gone.
Why Disenfranchised Loss Hurts:
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Lack of Validation: Friends, family, or coworkers may minimize, overlook or invalidate your loss with messaging that a pet is "just an animal" or can easily be replaced.
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Social Isolation: Facing blank stares, no response or quick changes of subject leads many to bottle up their pain and suffer alone. A person can feel abandoned, and that can increase the sense of loss.
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Self-Doubt: Unsupportive environments can cause a person to question whether their pain is dramatic or abnormal.
Finding Healing and Support for Pet Loss:
Grief expands and contracts. It can feel unbearable at times, and manageable at others. It is felt on an emotional, physical and cognitive level, and is informed by many different variables.
Healing and the journey of grief is not about forgetting. It is about honoring the relationship you had with your dear pet, understanding who you were before you lost your cherished animal and who you are now, and imagining and creating their legacy in a way that no longer paralyzes you in pain or feels frozen in time.
How Therapy Can Help:
In connection with others, we can heal. If you are feeling weighed down by guilt, isolation, or profound sadness after losing your animal companion, your dear pet, you don't have to navigate it alone. Psychotherapy offers a calm, private space to honor your loss and move through grief at your own pace. Reach out today to schedule a gentle consultation.
Jernee Montoya, LCSW, CASAC CCTPII
October 2026
In honor of all the beautiful animals that I've been so lucky to have known and loved in my life.
Pet Grief Resources & Support Groups
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Support Groups:
AMC Pet Loss Support Group:
The Pet Loss Support Group serves people who experienced the loss of their pet in the last 3 months. This group meets twice a month to provide consistent support and grief education for those in acute grief.
https://www.amcny.org/pet-loss-support-program/
AMC Forever in our Hearts Support Circle:
The Forever in our Hearts Support Circle serves people who experienced the loss of their pet in the last 3-12 months and beyond.
https://www.amcny.org/pet-loss-support-program/
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Neuroscience behind grief in Pet Loss:
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Excellent Podcast:
https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/the-pet-loss-journals/id1697473352
*In New York City, Councilmember Shaun Abreu introduced Bill Int. 1089 to amend the Earned Safe and Sick Time Act to allow New Yorkers to use sick leave to take care of their ailing animal companions. Let’s hope it passes!
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Books:
My beloved Monster: Masha, the Half-Wild Rescue Cat Who Rescued Me - by Caleb Carr
The Guest Cat - by Takashi Hiraide
Suki - by Suniti Namjoshi
I’m Still Here: A Dog's Purpose Forever -
by Cathryn Michon and Seth Taylor
Goodbye, Friend: Healing Wisdom for Anyone Who Has Ever Lost a Pet -
by Gary Kowalski
The Grieving Brain: The Surprising Science of How We Learn from Love and Loss -
by Mary-Frances O'Connor
