Blog
When Your Pet is Family:
Why Pet Loss Deserves to Be Taken Seriously
Losing a beloved pet (I like to refer to them as animal companions, friends or family) can happen in many ways—whether through death, rehoming, a run-away, a breakup, theft, or a sudden crisis. No matter how it happens, the loss can run deep, and the emotional toll can catch you completely off guard.
I still remember my first experience with losing my beloved animal companion when I was 11. He was a tiny little whitish fuzzball with a grey patch on his head. He had a pink nose, and a kitten belly body; he fit perfectly in my hands. He loved to sit on my chest, purr, look at me, and greeted me everyday after school. He made me feel special, gave me great comfort, and made me feel loved. He was my family, and a very important part of my life.
All these years later, I still remember what it felt like to lose him. I remember the devastation, the physical pain, what I thought, and how it impacted my life. The grief I felt was similar to what some have described to me after the loss of their animal companions, and different from others. Each person’s experience with loss is unique, and all feelings are natural and valid.
This loss deserves to be taken seriously because these relationships hold value:
Feelings and emotions are a part of the human experience for important reasons. They give us clues to what is happening within our inner world. If we feel happy, perhaps it is because we are hopeful or feel loved, something good happened, we had an experience of awe and wonder. If we feel sad, it may tell us that we are feeling a loss (and some losses are not so obvious), that we feel limited in our options, or our nervous system is tired of holding anger. If we feel numb, it may be that our body is telling us that whatever happened is just too overwhelming for our nervous system to manage at that moment.
Whatever you are feeling after the loss of your animal companion - it is real and holds a truth—whether or not anyone else recognizes or understands it.
For example:
-If you feel numb, that is your reality. If you can’t stop crying, or feel a pit in your stomach, that is not your imagination.
-If you don’t want to go home or to the places that you associate with your animal companion, this makes logical sense.
-If you replay scenarios in your head and think about how things could have been different, if you blame yourself, or long for your animal companion, those are your authentic experiences.
These are natural reactions to a yearning for your loved one who is no longer physically there. You have not only lost your animal companion’s physical presence, you have lost their emotional and relational presence in your life.
These feelings, thoughts and physical sensations give you information not only about your connection to your beloved animal companion, but also about how loss lives for you in your life.
There is a science behind our connections with our animals:
In grief, the brain doesn’t distinguish emotionally between the loss of a beloved animal family member, and the loss of a person. The same ‘love’ hormone, oxytocin, is released in the brain when we bond with our animal as when we bond with a person who feels safe, or when we bond with a child.
In fact, for some, the grief around losing an animal companion can feel more intense than the loss of a person. Your relationship with your animal companion may have been the first time (or one of the few times) you felt seen, experienced unconditional love, or experienced authenticity and trust. Maybe it was the first time you felt your existence mattered and that another being was happy to see you. Maybe your animal companion was like a child to you. Or maybe it was none of these things, but that relationship you had with your animal companion was immensely important and significant to you.
Our ‘pets’ become integral to our daily routines. We take care of them. They make us smile and laugh, or they stress us out! The truth is that animals are magical. Their reactions to us (even when they are a bit nutty) can be comforting, and can be calming, weird, and even comical. They may give us a break from the challenges of everyday living, and help us be present, and for some people, it gives them a reason to live. To lose any of this can feel excruciating or jarring.
Disenfranchised Loss:
One of the things I hear most often from people is that they feel isolated and alone in their sorrow after they lose their animal companion. Part of the reason for this may be due to the fact that “pet” loss is disenfranchised.
Disenfranchised loss (coined by Dr. Kenneth Doka in 1989) is when society or people fail to recognize or acknowledge the validity of a loss. Places of employment don’t provide bereavement leave for when your animal companion passes. We don’t receive paid sick leave when our animals are ill, or if we need time to look for them if they are lost*. We don’t often hear of built-in rituals in the larger society (I use the word society in the broadest sense and want to acknowledge that grief recognition and rituals vary from culture to culture) around saying goodbye or honoring our beloved animal’s life when they are gone.
Some people find that those around them don’t understand why their grief is so significant or enduring. Sometimes people are met with a blank look or a changing of the subject. Others feel their heartbreak is minimized, invalidated, misunderstood or overlooked, with subtle (or not so subtle!) messaging that their cherished animal was just an object that could be replaced.
These experiences can cause one to feel more alienated or isolated in their pain and to bottle things up, and can cause a person to question their own feelings.
Having Someone Truly See and Validate Your Experience Can be Deeply Healing:
Grief expands and contracts, is physical, historical, psychological and cognitive in its nature. It is the body’s way of honoring the magnitude of feelings related to the one you lost, and it is partly influenced by how they were lost, support (or lack thereof), your personal history with attachment, culture, other losses you have experienced, the relationship itself, their place in time in your life, and any history of trauma. When you lose your animal companion, you lose other things that were a part of that relationship as well.
Some people find that connecting with other people who love animals, who are nonjudgmental, and who understand even when no words can or want to be spoken can be incredibly soothing. I’ve seen the relief people feel when speaking with someone who understands. I’ve witnessed the smiles that spread on people's faces when they are able to share a story about the one they loved so much.
If you feel caught in a web of guilt or confusion, abject sadness or feelings of being alone or numb, or just want someone else to bear witness and honor the meaning of your relationship with your animal companion, therapy can offer a calm place to heal. If you would like to have a gentle, private space to explore or just sit with your experience alongside someone who understands, I’d be honored to support you. Please feel free to reach out.
Below I have also included some resources for group support, and understanding the neuroscience behind grieving our animals.
Written by:
Jernee Montoya, LCSW, CASAC CCTPII
September 2026
*In New York City, Councilmember Shaun Abreu introduced Bill Int. 1089 to amend the Earned Safe and Sick Time Act to allow New Yorkers to use sick leave to take care of their ailing animal companions. Let’s hope it passes!
A great read about the neuroscience behind our grief when we lose a member of our animal family:
AMC Pet Loss Support Group:
The Pet Loss Support Group serves people who experienced the loss of their pet in the last 3 months. This group meets twice a month to provide consistent support and grief education for those in acute grief.
https://www.amcny.org/pet-loss-support-program/
AMC Forever in our Hearts Support Circle:
The Forever in our Hearts Support Circle serves people who experienced the loss of their pet in the last 3-12 months and beyond.
